


what U need?

by AnaniTrainor



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Christmas, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of Zitao, Minor Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun, New Years, Rape/Non-con Elements, junmyeon is a wise old man, luhan just wants to be a good friend, not the pairing tho, sort of hompohobia but not really, yifan is uptight at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-09 01:14:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17992022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaniTrainor/pseuds/AnaniTrainor
Summary: “Am I being homophobic?” Yifan asks his best friend as they sit together at their favorite cafe.  Junmyeon looks at him with a smirk and shakes his head with a chuckle as he watches his friend’s panic. “This isn’t funny, Junmyeon.” Yifan says seriously. “He’s the first roommate I’ve actually liked since you and I just got mad at him for having a guy over. I’ve been totally cold towards him the entire time he’s lived there. I’m freaking out! I don’t want him to hate me even more or move! I’m screwed if he decides to move.” Yifan groans and lets his head fall to the table.“No, Yifan-hyung, I don’t think you’re being homophobic.” Junmyeon laughs out.“Oh, thank god! He just looked so upset and I’ve never really been around anyone who’s, you know-”“Let me finish, would you?” Junmyeon says and gently hits his arm. “I don’t think you’re being homophobic, I think you’re in love with him.” Yifan’s face twists and Junmyeon bursts into laughter. “You can’t tell me you really didn’t think so? You’ve only lived with him for a few months, but you talk about him a lot."-----aka the one where yifan thinks he's a homophobe and yixing goes through a lot and just wants love





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I wrote this like two years ago as a present for my best friend and forgot to post it so here you go.

The man was tall and broad, he would surely tower over almost anyone he met, and his features were sharp. His jawline angular, cheekbones high, and eyes acute. He looked… harsh. mean. assertive. His eyebrows were thick, fitting his face well alongside his full and nicely shaped lips. Even his hands were large, leading into muscular arms. Everything about him was intimidating. 

“Uh- hi…” Yixing trailed quietly with a small wave. He smiles nervously, his dimple poking through his cheeks. The man, which Yixing assumes is Zitao’s friend Yifan, looks through him with hard eyes. Yixing shifts uncomfortably and begins to wonder if he knocked on the wrong door. However, the man cocks his head and lets out a noncommittal hum.

“Zhang Yixing?” His voice is deep and gruff which Yixing supposes suits his appearance. Dumbly, Yixing nods and Yifan retreats into the apartment, leaving the door open, which Yixing takes as an invitation. 

Stepping inside, the pale man looks around the apartment. It was rather spacious: an open concept floor plan allowing light to spread. The kitchen was clean and organized alongside the dining room and living room. It was oddly beautiful with one color bleeding into another. 

“Your room is the smaller one over there."


	2. Homophobe

They practically tumbled in the door; tangled in one another’s arms. Yixing refused to allow his lips to leave his partner’s more dominant ones. Their tongues danced together as they both stripped their jackets as soon as they made it inside; throwing them to the arm of the couch carelessly. Desperate to taste even more of his partner, who he honestly couldn’t even remember the name of, Yixing wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and laced his fingers through the soft hair that lied there. The man let out a soft moan into his mouth before urging the smaller man down the hallway that held the bedrooms. 

“Crap.” Yixing breathed out in between hard kisses. “My roommate’s home.”

“Don’t worry about it.” The other man replied as he pushed him deeper down the hall. “We can be quiet, can’t we?” His voice was laced with lust and suggestion as he kisses Yixing and reaches around the boy to open the door. They trip inside; hands still all over one another. “Now,” he starts tugging at the hem of Yixing’s shirt, “take your shirt off.” He pulled until he was able to take the shirt all the way off Yixing; splitting their lips apart for only a second before connecting them again. The man reaches up and gently flicks Yixing’s nipple to which the smaller man replies by palming his erection through the rough fabric of his jeans. 

“F-fuck… Yixing~”

\-----

When Yixing wakes up in the morning, he hears shuffling beside him. He turns over to find the man from last night already up; pulling his jeans over his ass and struggling to find one of his socks. Yixing can’t help but giggle slightly. The man turns around, startled, and blushes while beginning to ramble out some sort of excuse. This only makes Yixing laugh more as he sits up in bed. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and reaches to the side to pull pajama pants on. “You don’t have to worry about sneaking out.” He comments with a smile before pulling his shirt over his head. 

“I’m not going to force you to give me your number or guilt you into saying ‘let’s see each other again’ because we both know that this was a one time thing. But at least let me walk you out.” Yixing smirks as he fully exits the bed and walks to his bedroom door, picking up the stray sock along the way. He pulls it open for the man and motions for him to walk out first, handing him the sock as he passes by. The man does so with a curious look across his face, and Yixing trails after him. The thin and pale man is unsurprised to find his roommate already in the kitchen; making coffee. Yifan was always up early. Yixing ushers his boy toy towards the door. 

The man stops and turns to him with a cheesy smile. He raises an eyebrow, “I had a great time.” Yixing only smiles and rolls his eyes then grabs the guy’s collar and pull him down for one final hot, but chaste, kiss. With that, Yixing pushes his chest and gives him a small wave before closing the door. He could tell the man wanted to say more, but Yixing didn’t want anything more than that night. He bites his lips and presses his fingers to his eyebrow: What was I thinking last night? He pads back towards his room. 

“Your broke the rules.” Yifan’s voice stops him. Yifan’s voice is harsher than usual; an angry edge to it. Yixing slowly makes his way back to the kitchen and looks to the counter where the white haired man is poised, making his breakfast. Yifan’s back is facing Yixing, his broad shoulders hunching over, but still looking stern. “Rules one and six.” Yifan says as he points to the page pinned on the door of the refrigerator where the rules Yifan had created are scrawled out. Yixing looks at both rules one and six and frowns deeply. 

“Sorry. Luhan got me really drunk last night…” He trails timidly. “I wasn’t thinking straight.” 

“I know you weren’t.” Yifan bites out and Yixing takes a seconds to process why that hurt more than he thought it would. He turns to face Yifan fully and leans against the island, propping himself up on the heels of his hands. 

“Do you have a problem with me bringing men home? Is that it?” Yixing asks, a bit of fire on his tongue. Yifan’s movements, which were usually smooth and fluid, stutter and he completely freezes for a moment before setting the butter knife down on the counter and turning to face his roommate. 

“N- no.” He says, a blush on his cheeks. He drops his eyes to the ground before turning back to his task. “That’s not it at all… You just left crap in the living room and didn’t text me to tell me you were bringing him home, that’s all.” 

“Yeah…” Yixing pauses, swallowing hard. “Right…” He looks down at the counter for a few seconds, thinking, then looks back up. “Well, I’m sorry I guess.” He says then makes his way back towards his room. He closes the door soundly behind him then plops down on his bed, hugging himself. 

Yifan watches him go before finishing making his toast. He puts his knife in the sink, and cleans up the rest of his mess before taking a bite out of the bread and making his way back to his room. Was he being homophobic? Would he have felt different if it was a girl Yixing brought home? Afterall, his chest felt tight when he saw Yixing kiss him. He couldn’t look at them for long… No, that was impossible… Yifan shakes his head then takes another bite of his toast. There was no way he was being homophobic. 

 

“Am I being homophobic?” Yifan asks his best friend as they sit together at their favorite cafe. He fiddles nervously with his cup before taking a drink only to play with it nervously again. Junmyeon looks at him with critical eyes and a smirk. He shakes his head with a chuckle as he watches his friend’s panic. “This isn’t funny, Junmyeon.” Yifan says seriously. “He’s the first roommate I’ve actually liked since you and I just got mad at him for having a guy over. I’ve been totally cold towards him the entire time he’s lived there. I’m freaking out! I don’t want him to hate me even more or move! I’m screwed if he decides to move.” Yifan groans and lets his head fall to the table. 

“No, Yifan-hyung, I don’t think you’re being homophobic.” Junmyeon laughs out.

“Oh, thank god! He just looked so upset and I’ve never really been around anyone who’s, you know-”

“Let me finish, would you?” Junmyeon says and gently hits his arm. “I don’t think you’re being homophobic, I think you’re in love with him.” Yifan’s face twists and Junmyeon bursts into laughter. “You can’t tell me you really didn’t think so? You’ve only lived with him for a few months, but you talk about him a lot. And are you kidding me, have you met Zitao-ssi?” 

“Obviously not, Junmyeon because, for one, I’m not gay, and two, I thought I was being homophobic!!” Yifan does his best not to shout and Junmyeon just shakes his head. “And what about Zitao?”

“I’m not going to say anything more than that, but you can be so dumb sometimes.” The brunette shakes his head and takes a sip of his tea. “You’re not being homophobic. And Zitao-ssi is the most gay straight man I’ve ever met if you tell me he’s straight.”

“Good.” Yifan says as he stares ahead and sips his drink again. “And I mean, I’ve never asked Zitao about his sexuality, but he talks about girls with me a lot.” Junmyeon chuckles a bit.

“If you say so.”

They spend the rest of their time chatting lightly about other things. They catch up on everything that’s happened within the last month and just chat how they normally would. They met in high school and have been close ever since. Junmyeon was always the person Yifan went to for advice. So, he was glad he wasn’t being homophobic, but the other thing his friend said bothered him. 

A little over a month after that little argument, Yifan had woken up in the middle of the night and headed towards the kitchen to get himself something to drink only to find his roommate still awake. Luckily, Yixing had seemed to forget the debacle ever happened and continued on coexisting in the house. Even though the younger had moved in almost four months ago, things were still awkward between them. They still weren’t friends; even calling them acquaintances was a stretch. Nevertheless, that didn’t mean either one of them didn’t care about the other. 

“Ugh! I give up!” Yixing said, letting his head fall on top of his English textbook which was laid open on the coffee table in the living room. Various pages of notes were completely strewn out across the surface- making a mess. His pens and highlighters are littered everywhere as well- his studying showing in his surroundings.

It was late; a little past midnight. The moon was hanging high in the sky, along with thousands of stars that couldn’t be seen from the city streets. Most everyone in the apartment complex would be sleeping soundly by now with their snores or music drowning out the sound of the ever-bustling city outside their windows. 

“What are you still doing up?” Yifan says softly, startling Yixing into sitting straight up. Yixing sighs and looks over his textbook and looks back up at his roommate. Yifan was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt as he almost always did at night. His expression is confused and slightly concerned as he approaches Yixing. 

“Homework.” Yixing replies softly as he runs his fingers over his notes. Yifan lingers at the other side of the table for a few moments before sitting down across from Yixing with a cup of tea. 

“What class?” Yifan asks.

“English.” Yixing replies with a long sigh. He runs his hand through his hair, stressed.

“What’s the topic?”

“Verb tenses. I have a test on it tomorrow and I have no clue what I’m doing.” Yixing admits with an exasperated sigh. Yifan smiles then turns his notebook around to look at it. He scans over everything and Yixing watches his eyebrows slowly knit together. 

“Your teacher didn’t give you the chart, just these notes?” Yifan asks and Yixing shakes his head. 

“What chart?” 

“When I was learning English I was given a chart to show the relationship between the subject, verb, and object. Here, give me a pen would you…?” With that, Yifan proceeded to explain everything to him. The elder was oddly good at explaining things and they seemed to click inside Yixing’s head much quicker. Eventually, Yifan moves around the table and settles beside Yixing. Their shoulders press against one another. If the younger wasn’t focusing on his work, he would surely have been blushing from the contact. The elder notices it, the heat warming his chest and causing Junmyeon’s words to occupy his mind, but he doesn’t mention it and simply continues to teach Yixing what he knows. 

However, the tense feeling in his chest and the way his skin seemed to retract at the contact made Yifan think he was being homophobic once again; it was as if the contact was making his skin crawl and the anger at himself for feeling such a disgusting thing towards his completely kind and normal roommate distracted him slightly.

They stayed up into the late hours of the night and early hours of the morning. Yifan had Yixing practice sentences and would ask him “okay what's the perfect continuous, present form of had?” By the time Yixing feels confident and they call it a night, they’re both yawning and rubbing at their tired eyes. Without thinking, Yixing lets his head fall to his roommate’s shoulder where he lets his eyes fall closed and absorbs the elder’s warmth. Its comforting in an odd way to the younger and Yifan reprimanded himself silently for the spike in his pulse. 

“Wait, you have early classes, don’t you?” Yixing looks to the clock that hung on the wall to find that it was almost four in the morning; three and a half hours before Yifan had to go to class. “Yifan-ssi, I’m so sorry. I-” Yixing starts, picking his head up and turning to Yifan with wide, apologetic, eyes. However, the soft look he gets from Yifan somehow shuts him up. 

Yifan thinks, subconsciously, that maybe his kindness towards the younger in situations like this would make up for his attitude towards the younger’s sexuality. Afterall, by nature Yifan was a kind man. He tried to appear cold hearted and act like a badass when he was around others, but he was raised to always be kind and accepting. So, why could he not just disregard his roommate’s sexuality and act normal around him? It was frustrating to the fashion major, but he did his best to ignore his own thoughts and express nothing but kindness towards the younger. Redemption, he thinks to himself. 

“It’s okay. This is around the time I get up usually anyways.” He pauses to yawn. “It’s not a big deal.” Yifan says quietly as he allows his back to slouch against the couch; his ass sinking into the carpet. He seems tense; he always did.

“You need sleep…” Yixing says softly as he watches Yifan intently. 

“I’ll sleep when I get home from class. I’ve done it before.” Yifan says as he stretches and pulls himself to his feet. He paces over to the kitchen where he puts a pot of coffee on. “You go ahead and head to bed so you can get up for your afternoon classes. I don’t want all that work we just did to go to waste.” Yifan says and Yixing nods slowly. 

“Okay…” The younger trails and leans his head back against the couch- trying not to think about the feeling he got in his chest at seeing Yifan smile so softly and genuinely at him. Yifan chuckles lightly. 

“Not out here, idiot. In your bed.” Yifan smiles and Yixing, again, nods and forces himself to his feet. He sways in place for a few moments before he manages to make it back to his bed. Yifan shakes his head and begins to run through his morning routine.

——-

Yixing feels good when he steps out of the lecture hall where his English class is taught. He lets out a relieved sigh, not feeling even an ounce of worry all thanks to Yifan. Speaking of the elder man, Yixing had devised a plan to thank Yifan for helping him pass. Only a week into living with the fashion major, Yixing had discovered his favorite foods. So, he planned on making Yifan’s favorite dishes for dinner that night. Quickly, he makes his way to the nearest grocery store and does some grocery shopping. In addition to the things he and Yifan were running out of, Yixing bought:

Noodles  
Chunjang   
Oyster sauce  
Pork loin  
Chinese Sausage  
Scallions  
Garlic  
Ginger  
Onion  
Cabbage  
Zucchini   
Carrot  
Celery  
Chicken stock  
-and-  
Corn starch 

He spent a hefty amount of this month’s paycheck, but he didn’t mind. Yifan did a lot for him, even if the elder didn’t think he did, and it meant a lot to Yixing. Making a meal was the least he could do and, besides, Yixing liked to cook.

There was a lot of bags. Yixing walked as fast as he could while being weighed down by his backpack in addition to the groceries and made his way back to his and Yifan’s apartment. He climbs the stairs and somehow manages to unlock the door and step inside. Fumbling his way to the kitchen, he sets the bags down on the kitchen island before looking back to the living room. There, he saw Yifan; asleep on the couch. 

Yifan’s shoes were still on as well as his belt and his bag was laid lazily on the floor. He looked immensely uncomfortable with his head resting on one arm of the couch while his feet hung over the other. Before doing anything else, Yixing walked over to Yifan and pulled off his shoes gently, setting them where they always sat by the door, pulled his belt off, and slid a pillow underneath his head. The belt was the thing Yixing was most worried about, after all, what would Yifan think if he woke up to find his gay roommate’s hands that close to his, well, you know? Luckily, he was able to pull it off without a hitch. Lastly, he grabbed a blanket and laid it over the elder. Moments later, the tension eased away from Yifan’s shoulders and Yixing couldn’t help but smile to himself.

He knew his fondness for the elder wasn’t quite a good thing- especially with how quickly it had formed. After only one full night spent with the man, he already felt the urge to spend even more time with him. Sure, he was glad he and Yifan finally progressed past their four month long ‘barely acquaintances’ escapade, but if he grew too fond, things would get complicated. Not only was Yifan straight, but he seemed to have slightly homophobic tendencies and that didn’t mean anything good for Yixing’s mental health. Nevertheless, getting a little bit closer to Yifan wouldn’t mean anything inappropriate.

With that thought, Yixing slips back into the kitchen and unloads the bags then checks the cabinets to ensure he has everything he needs. When he’s sure he has all his ingredients, he settles in the dining room with his school work and starts working on it diligently so that he can have it completed well before dinner time. 

He plugs his headphones in to not disturb Yifan’s sleep and listens to music while finishing reading within an hour. He takes another few minutes to complete his notes before closing all his books and stacking them neatly. After, he makes his way to the kitchen and washes his hands before pulling his apron over his head and getting to work. 

Cooking had always been a hobby for Yixing; an outlet where he could forget about his stressors and worries and just… cook. However, there weren’t many chances to cook much as a broke college student who had four friends, at best (Luhan, his best friend who he’d known since forever, Minseok, Luhan’s boyfriend who- quite frankly- only became friends with him for Luhan, Jongdae, who took vocal classes with him, Sehun, who Yixing honestly didn’t understand why he was friends with- not because of anything Sehun did- but Sehun was popular and got along well with others while Yixing just didn’t, and a young girl named Amyra who’d helped him out in that modeling class he took his freshman year as an “experiment”). Who cooked when they rarely had a time or reason to? 

Getting back on track, here, Yixing loved to cook and would always take up the opportunity to when he could. So, now, as he stood in the kitchen with a sharpened knife in his hand, he felt relaxed. Very quietly, he hummed to himself as he chopped the vegetables up. Slowly, all the thoughts of his classes melted away along with his self doubts and it was just him and his cooking utensils. 

He falls into a sense of calm as he makes a sauce using rice wine, ginger, salt, and pepper to marinate pork in. He felt at peace as he moved freely; preparing everything he needed for the meals. Cutting all the vegetables up, he puts the excess in separate containers to use for a different time. For a second, he feels at home; he remembers cooking with his mom back in China- cutting the vegetables before his dad got home so they could eat a meal together. It’s a warm, nostalgic feeling.

But it all comes crashing down as he feels a heat cross his stomach as two arms wrap around him. His chest tightens, whether out of fondness or fear he isn’t sure, and his muscles tense. He feels the weight of Yifan’s head rest on his shoulder and his thoughts go crazy. It’s a weird feeling- the instability of his heartbeat, breathing, and mental processing- just after the dreamlike calm he was in. He wills himself to calm down, but his stomach is doing flips and this just can’t be good, he thinks. “Y-yifan-ssi.” He stutters out as he moves to pull out of the elder’s grasp. However, as if he’s a venus fly trap, Yifan tightens his grip the more Yixing tries to move. 

“So warm…” Yifan trails as he tucks his nose into the juncture between Yixing’s neck and shoulder. Yixing feels like his heart is in his throat and his brain practically hits its self destruct button. It takes everything within the dancer to not shudder at the brush of Yifan’s breath on his neck. Not knowing what else to do since the human form of quick sand, Yifan, still hangs off of him, he goes back to cooking. However, he keeps his movements small as to not disturb whatever was happening. 

Yixing hoped to god that Yifan couldn’t feel the violent beating of his heart within his chest right now and he was glad the elder couldn’t see the bright blush that crossed his cheeks. As Yixing stirred the noodles, he focused his thoughts. If this is a way of Yifan testing me to see if I like him or some shit like that I’m never going to forgive him... This is one fucked up way of messing with me. I get that he doesn’t fully approve of me being gay, but this is a bit much… It feels like I’m a small puzzle piece that fits into him perfectly. He’s so warm and I never want him to pull away. 

Yifan shifts again, somehow managing to pull Yixing in closer, and brings the bridge of his nose to the crook of the younger’s neck. Yixing’s chest tightened in fondness. “So small…” Yifan muttered this time. Yixing did his best to ignore the presence and continued his small movements. However, after Yifan took a deep breath in and let it out, the hot air filtering down Yixing’s shirt, the younger couldn’t help but shiver slightly. He heard Yifan let out a quiet hum. “Cute.” It was a breath, barely a whisper, but Yixing heard it loud and clear. His ears burnt. 

A sizzling sound refocuses Yixing’s attention as the water in the pot of noodles slightly bubbles over. Quickly, Yixing pushes at Yifan’s hands with a soft, “I have to drain the noodles.” As if ripped out of a daze, Yifan quickly releases him and scampers out of the kitchen and to his room. As he lifts the pot off the small stove, Yixing hears a soft click that indicates Yifan’s door shutting. 

What Yixing thinks is half an hour later, Yifan comes back out. Without even looking, Yixing can see the shy and apologetic look on his roommate’s face. He doesn’t turn, attempting to hide his own embarrassment, as he puts the lid back on the pot he was cooking rice in. “Yixing-ah…” Yifan says quietly and Yixing turns around to face him, doing his best to swallow whatever fear resided at the cusp of his throat.

“Oh, you’re up.” The younger mumbles before turning back to the ingredients he still had out so he could organize them. “Feeling better?” He questioned. 

“Y- yeah…” 

“Good. I’m making dinner, so make sure you stay home, okay?” 

“Of course.” Yifan replies quickly and watches Yixing move back and forth in the kitchen. The dancer keeps himself busy to distract himself from his feelings. 

“Yixing-ah…” Yifan calls, but the younger doesn’t acknowledge him. “Yixing… Yixing!” Yifan gently grabs the dance major’s wrist and forces the boy to turn. He sees Yixing’s eyes widen. “I- uh- about earlier… my actions were inappropriate. I’m so sorry.” Yifan bows deeply and Yixing only blushes and shakes his head. 

“It’s okay.” 

“I never explained this before, well, because I’ve never had to, but when I first wake up I get-” he takes a deep breath, “clingy.” Yixing looks at him. He supposes it hasn’t ever arisen in the time they’ve lived together; Yixing was usually either asleep or out when Yifan woke up, being the sleep lover he was. He’d never seen Yifan wake up before, been around before. “I’ll do my best to control myself now. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Yifan-ssi. I really didn’t mind.” Yixing admits, his cheeks glowing. There’s a long pause in conversation, and Yixing shifts a bit uncomfortably before turning back to the stove. He takes a deep and cleansing breath that carries out his tensions and worries with the exhale. At least now he knew Yifan wasn’t just trying to fuck with him.

“Hyung.” Yifan says suddenly, quietly. “You can call me hyung... if you’d like.” Yixing finds himself smiling madly as he stirs the fried rice. 

“Okay, hyung.” He beams. “Dinner is just about ready, so just sit at the dining table if you want.” Yifan shrugs and does as he’s told, not wanting to deepen the hole he’s dug himself with Yixing. He silently taps his foot as he waits and, before long, Yixing’s approaching him with no apron and two plates which seemed nicely served. “I know these two don’t really go together, but… they’re your favorite dishes so…” Yixing trails as he places one plate in front of Yifan then sits across with his own. For the better half of the meal, things settle into a comfortable silence. 

“How was your English test?” Yifan questions to break it and Yixing smiles warmly. 

“Amazing, thanks to you. I have no doubt I’ll get an A… Thank you, hyung.” The honorific still feels foreign rolling off of his tongue when it’s directed at Yifan, but he thinks he could get used to it. Yifan seems to like it, smiling brightly at hearing it. Yixing thinks that if he gets that reaction every time, he could say it for hours at a time. 

“Don’t tell me that’s why you cooked jajangmyeon and sausage fried rice…” Yifan calls out and Yixing forces his eyes to the side and smiles shyly. 

“W-well…”

“If this is going to be my payment every time, then I guess I should tutor you more.” Yifan smiles with food spotting the skin around his mouth which only causes Yixing to giggle the slightest bit. 

“Don’t expect this every time you help me,” Yixing laughs, “I spent a good amount of my money on this food.” Yixing points his chopsticks at Yifan who laughs heartfully. 

“If you need it, I can give you some money. After all, you bought the groceries we share too.” Yifan says seriously and Yixing shakes his head. 

“Don’t worry about it, hyung. This was my way of thanking you. After all, you missed hours of sleep to help me.” Yixing explains.

“Well, thank you for the food.” Yifan says softly. Another silence falls over them as they continue to eat- both smiling- before they close in on the end of their meal and Yifan looks to his roommate with curious eyes. “Hey, wanna watch a movie after this?” 

“Sure! I don’t have anything better to do.” Yixing says softly and Yifan smiles. 

“Okay.” 

When they finish up dinner only a few minutes later, they both make their way to the kitchen and work together to wash all the dishes and get them put away before they settle on the couch. It takes them awhile before they find a movie they both agree on, but once they do, they get comfortable. Yixing is sitting normally besides he legs being crossed and he holds a blanket around his shoulders. Yifan lies back, though, with his spine pressed against the armrest. Without realizing it, he plops his feet down into Yixing’s lap. It’s nice in an odd way to the younger; being this domestic with his roommate.


	3. I Said No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chaper with the non-con so please, please, don't read if this could trigger you or cause any discomfort.

It wasn’t uncommon for Yixing to bring a guy home on any given day of the week. Yifan found this out soon enough. It was strange to the elder at first, Yixing didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would go out and have a drunken one night stand. During the day, Yixing was kind and sweet- there wasn’t a scandalous bone in his body besides the accidental slip of words here and there. This is how Yifan first discovers that Yixing’s first language is chinese, just like him. But at night; at night, Yixing was a freak. Yixing didn’t hold liquor well and became incredibly promiscuous when he was intoxicated. It was as if alcohol took away all his inhibitions and judgement. Not that he’d be the first guy, but still. It was strange. 

Yifan appreciated that after that single argument they had months ago, Yixing had always followed the rules and texted him beforehand to let him know that he needed to wear his earplugs to bed. However, he noticed himself growing increasingly more irritable towards the men that Yixing brought home. It wasn’t that they were rude or disrespectful, just the opposite actually most times, but there was just something about them that irked Yifan. He wasn’t normally one to judge, unless it had to do with fashion, but Yixing’s visits had become more frequent and Yifan was starting to think that Yixing had no self respect. Nevertheless, he didn’t express his opinions and simply kept to himself about the situation. What right did he have to tell Yixing what to do? Plus, it was likely that this was still the side of him that he disliked- the homophobic aggression that he tried so hard to stifle- and he didn’t want to allow that to break through.

Yifan was standing in the kitchen, preparing a midnight snack. Yixing, following the rules, had texted him over two hours ago to tell him that he was bringing some new nameless guy home. However, usually Yixing would be home by now and Yifan hated that he was so worried that he and his partner hadn’t arrived yet. The worst case scenarios began running through his mind. What if he got kidnapped? Murdered? Yifan tried to shrug the feeling away, but it wouldn’t stop attacking him. Yixing is a big boy, he can handle himself. Yifan told himself, but that didn’t seem to help at all. He couldn’t shake the awful feeling; the paranoia. It was getting to him in the worst way. 

That’s why he has to restrain himself from letting out a sigh of relief when the door clicks open to reveal Yixing. A very drunk, very red faced, very stumbly Yixing, but Yixing nonetheless. The boy was safe, that was good. However, the relief morphs into something more grotesque and ugly at the sight of Yixing’s partner. His chest tightens and his stomach twists and he just feels- wrong. He knows jealousy, knows it far too well, he would even admit that he felt it when Yixing brought partners home in the past, and this wasn’t it. He can’t figure it out before he watches the two trail down the hallway to the smaller man’s room. He told himself not to let those thoughts back in- not to judge Yixing by the gender he was interested in- but that didn’t help at all. He feels his fingers twist into a fist, but can only sigh as he takes his snack back to the living room where he plops down on the couch and tries to distract himself with reruns of a show that generally interests him. 

He tries not to listen, he really does. But some sounds are hard to miss and they only make Yifan feel worse. He feels like he’s about to suffocate; like the entire world is about to crush him. He can’t take it. He grabs his phone and quickly messages the only person in the world who knows him better than he knows himself. 

24:57  
To: Rich Dongseng   
Are you still up

He doesn’t even get the chance to turn his screen off before he gets a response. 

24:57  
From: Rich Dongseng  
Of course I am

24:57  
To: Rich Dongseng  
What the hell is wrong with me

24:57  
From: Rich Dongseng  
Care to elaborate?

24:58  
To: Rich Dongseng  
Yixing brought home a guy again

24:58  
To: Rich Dongseng   
And I have this gross feeling 

24:58  
To: Rich Dongseng  
And it won’t leave me alone no matter what I do

24:58  
From: Rich Dongseng   
Jealousy?

24:59  
To: Rich Dongseng  
Not just

He didn’t like to admit it, but as he said, he knew jealousy all too well. And some of what he was feeling was exactly that, most likely jealous that Yixing was getting laid so often when it had been months since Yifan did himself, but not all of it. This was something heavier, something deeper. Not even anxiety was the correct word to describe it.

1:00  
From: Rich Dongseng  
Is it that thing?

1:02   
To: Rich Dongseng   
???

1:11  
From: Rich Dongseng   
That feeling you get before something big happens. You know the one you got like an hour before Zitao broke his ankle or before we got accepted into uni? 

1:11  
To: Rich Dongseng   
Oh shit…

1:12   
From: Rich Dongseng   
Try not to worry yourself too much. Maybe he’s just going to drunkenly kiss you or something ;) You know you’d love that

1:14   
To: Rich Dongseng   
This is serious

——-

Yixing let’s out a breathy moan as his partner kisses down his naked torso; only stopping to tease each and every sensitive spot he finds. The nameless lips make lurid sounds as they pucker around Yixing’s nipples. The dance major feels impossibly exposed; completely naked and tied tightly to the headboard with his own leather belt. He felt light headed, like this could all be some kind of hazy dream and the pleasure of being touched after building up so much sexual tension doesn’t help in the slightest. 

He lets out a whimper as his partner skims his fingers along his sensitive sides- slightly squirming underneath the man who smells like whiskey and cheap cigarettes; the ultimate bad decision. He’s all too sensitive and pliant underneath him and he knows it’s not good; knows he’s too weak, but he can’t get what he wants so he has to settle for the nameless pretty face who seems to be doing a hell of a job at getting him riled up.

After the domestic night they shared together, Yixing hadn’t been able to ignore the attraction he felt towards his roommate and it was suffocating him. Every time he saw Yifan, the urge to kiss his pouty lips struck him and a sharp pain of acknowledgement followed soon after. It had become harder and harder for him to coexist with the muscular man. Unrequited love was a bitch.

Nevertheless, the heat of sensuality didn’t push Yixing not far enough to force him to lose sights of his boundaries. Despite what many might like to believe, he was still a virgin- at least- penetrative. That was something he reserved for someone special. So, between pants and whimpers, he manages a small: “H-hey.” That causes nameless to pause and look up. “L-listen, I don’t d-do penetrative, okay?” He breathes. 

Nameless smirks as he shoves two of his fingers into Yixing’s mouth and watches as the smaller boy sucks obediently. His eye are lidded and dilated and Yixing can feel his long length against his leg. The man only smiles as he retracts his fingers and gently drags them down Yixing’s happy trail. “Playing hard to get, now are we, bitch.” Bitch. Yixing didn’t like that. He’d been through his fair share of one night stands and done plenty of experimenting enough to know what he likes and doesn’t like. He knows he doesn’t like being talked down to, not in the slightest. 

If nameless notices Yixing’s discomfort, he doesn’t say anything and only trails his fingers along the juncture where Yixing’s leg meet his pelvis; stopping at the rim of his clenched hole. Without a single word, the man pushes his finger inside Yixing; thriving in the heat. “Hey… wh- what the fuck are you doing?” Yixing blurts out as he attempts to squirm away. However, the man’s smile turns crooked as he roughly grabs Yixing’s hip and pins it to the mattress- minimizing the boy’s movement. “Stop.” Yixing says sternly as nameless pumps his finger in and out of Yixing slowly. Yixing writhes against the belt surrounding his wrists; fear engulfing him. 

A second finger is forcibly pushed in and Yixing lets out a yelp as he clenches tightly. Tears sting at his eyes and he kicks his feet to get away, but nameless only pins them down with his knees- causing Yixing to hiss in pain. This wasn’t right! Yixing didn’t consent to this. Actually, he blatantly said no. He should scream- cry out for help but his voice gets stuck in his throat. “I bet you like this you fucking slut. Look at you; you’re a mess.” The man says and Yixing lets out a strangled whimper as the man curls his fingers. It doesn’t feel nice. It hurts. It’s agonizing. This can’t be happening. It shouldn’t be happening. His nails are long. It hurts. 

It’s when the third finger, now dry, pushes into Yixing that things get worse. The pain is surreal. It burns like a rug burn and Yixing can’t even see straight anymore. Tears stream down the pale boy’s face and fear bubbles up in his chest; seconds away from bursting. As the man curls his fingers, Yixing finally finds his voice:

“I SAID N-“ He’s cut off by the man’s hand slamming over his mouth. It’s rough and Yixing’s sure he was forced to bite his lip. 

“You dumb bitch.” The man snarls before retracting his fingers from Yixing’s ass to hold his hips down. Yixing tries to scream through his fingers, but the sound is far to stifled to raise any alarm. Nameless forces Yixing’s legs apart with his knees before lining himself up. Yixing cries out again- struggles against his binds- but nothing’s working. Nameless slams into him with all his might. Tears collect at the edges of Yixing’s eyes out of, not only pain, but embarrassment and shame and he can feel his insides ripping apart like paper. He can’t take it- can’t take it- can’t take it! The pain is excruciating. 

Just then, Yixing’s door slams open. Yixing can’t see anything, it’s dark and his tears blur his vision, but he hears a gruff voice. It’s deep and calming- not nameless’, no. “He said no, didn’t he?” The tone is low, threatening. It’s not a question, really, it’s a statement. 

“Who the fuck-“ Yixing doesn’t see much, but things blur and before he knows it, he’s slightly relieved of his pain; the stretch, gone. He hears a loud crash- like something hitting his bookshelf. 

Yifan’s fist is balled and he feels no remorse for how hard he just threw the man, but all he can see is red red red. He’s never wanted to beat someone’s face in more. “I asked you a goddamned question and you better fucking answer it before I bash your brains out.” Yifan growls. 

“Y-yes.” Nameless stammers. 

“Do you know what no means, asshole?” Yifan asks as he grabs nameless by the collar, his face centimeters away from the assailant's. 

“Y-yes…”

“Then you just raped him, did you not?” Yifan wants to throw up the second the word passes his lips. His tone is nasty; he hasn’t used it in years. But he’s so angry it’s engulfing him and he can’t see straight. It’s taking all his restraint not to snap the man’s bones. Even Yixing is slightly scared at the sound of it. 

“Y- y- ye…”

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Yifan demands. There’s no question. No room for argument and his tone implies an or else that not even he knows. He’s not sure he’d have the restraint to simply call the cops and sit in the same room as the bastard to wait for them to arrive. He’d kill him first. The man doesn’t move to get up. “I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE I WILL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREDS!” Yifan shouts as he picks up the man’s clothes and throws them at him. Nameless scrambled to his feet, gathering his things, and bolts out of the room. 

There’s a long silence as Yifan breathes heavily. He does his best to calm himself down; coax himself off of his ledge. At this point, blood had begun to drip from where he cut his palm with his own nail. If it weren’t for the small whimper that came from behind him, Yifan would have broken down. However, he turns to Yixing and quickly rushes to his side. He gently unties Yixing’s wrists and pulls a blanket over him. Without thinking, he reaches up to wipe the boy’s tears, but stops when he sees the dancer flinch. His heart rips in half. 

“Fuck, Yixing, I’m-“

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” Yixing voice sounds empty as he rubs where the leather dug into his skin. Yixing tried to hold himself together, he really did, but one look at Yifan’s gentle eyes- the way his shoulders are slouched as if to make himself smaller and less intimidating- he loses it. He throws his arms around Yifan’s neck and sobs. Yifan pulls him into his arms and gently rubs his back. 

“Shhhh…” He cooes. “It’s okay… I’m here.” After a few minutes of silently consoling the younger boy, Yifan stops. “Let’s get you cleaned up, what do you say?” Yifan says quietly. “I’ll go draw you a bath. Pick out some pajamas…” The elder pulls away and rushes to the bathroom. He tries to ignore the way his hands are shaking as he turns the hot water on and plugs the tub. He splashes cold water on his face and takes a couple deep breaths. Now was not the time for him to lose it; Yixing needs him. When Yifan goes back to the room, he finds Yixing in the exact same place he was left. 

“I- I couldn’t…” Yixing looks at the ground, unable to explain himself. 

“It’s okay…” Yifan says quietly. “What do you say I let you borrow some of my clothes? They’re warm and they’ll cover you up real nice, sound good?” He offers and Yixing nods numbly, wiping at his tears fervently. “Alright. The tub should be mostly filled.” Yifan says softly. Yixing nods and moves to get up, but as soon as he attempts to stand straight, pain shoots through him and he collapses to the ground with a weak whimper. Yifan rushes to his side. “Here.” Yifan quietly hums before sliding his arms underneath Yixing and carries him to the bathroom, the blanket still covering him. Yifan sets Yixing on the toilet and moves to leave, but the younger catches his wrist. 

“P-please… Don’t leave me alone.” Yifan stares at him for a moment before nodding. 

“Okay.” He pauses, unsure of what to do. “Need help?” Yixing nods. Yifan slowly approaches him and strips the blanket before lifting him into the bath. Yifan sits to the side to give Yixing as much space as he needs. This entire situation is fucked. Sure, Yixing had been quiet in the past, shy even, but he’d never been this… fragile. 

By the time Yixing was finished, the water was dimmed red and he had completely shut down. His lips were sealed and his eyes were dead. He simply looked- wrecked. Not knowing what else to do, Yifan lifted him out of the tub and dried him off before taking him to his room and slowly dressing him. Yifan picked out his most comfortable sweatshirt and a pair of boxers and managed to wrangle him into them. With that, Yifan gently lowered Yixing back into bed and covered him up. 

“If you need anything, I’m right next door. Call for me.” He says gently before exiting his roommate’s space and delving into his own; collapsing onto his bed. He stares at his ceiling for a long time, unable to sleep. Thousands of thoughts course through his mind, but about an hour after they start, they stop suddenly at the sound of Yixing’s scream. Yifan scrambles to his feet and bolts to Yixing’s room where he finds the younger man curled up on the floor. He slightly writes in pain, but it seems more emotional than it does physical. Yifan melts to be on the floor next to Yixing. 

“H-hyung…” Yixing manages, shaking his head and shrinking away. “I- I’m fine. Y- you really don’t have to worry.” 

“Yixing.” Yifan says softly. Yixing sputters out something illegible through his tears and Yifan only sighs before gently wrapping a blanket around the younger and pulling him into his lap. He presses Yixing’s head against his chest so that Yixing can hear his heartbeat and feel his breathing. It calms the younger down almost immediately. And before they know it, they both drift asleep. 

 

Yixing wakes up slowly, his eyes cracking open. 

Warm, yellow light filters through the curtains and gently strikes the floor; glimmering prettily. The air was warm despite the coming of autumn, thanks to their heater. The sounds of a slow heartbeat and calm breathing fill the room which is devoid of any other sound. 

Yixing slowly stretches his neck. He didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep in such an awkward position, but- maybe he hadn’t. As he slowly comes back to his senses, he remembers everything from last night and slightly shudders. However, he relaxes at the feeling of a gentle arm circled around his waist. He feels a soft thump against the crest of his cheek and looks up to find Yifan still sleeping. 

That’s right- Yifan sat on the floor with him and pulled him into his lap. They must’ve fallen asleep like this; with the younger curled up in his lap. In all honestly, Yifan looked immensely uncomfortable with his back against the wall. Yixing’s fingers are gently wrapped around Yifan’s collar. He shifts a little bit, but as if it’s reflex, Yifan’s hand raises to gently rub his back. 

With a sigh, Yixing carefully slides out of Yifan’s lap. The sting of last night sends shocks through his legs, but not enough to deter him. He takes the blanket that was draped around his shoulders and laid it over Yifan before heading towards the door. He stops when he sees various books from his shelf scattered around the floor. He shudders at the thought before making his way out to the kitchen. He ignores the pain in his body and starts to make himself breakfast. However, when he reaches his hand out- his eyes fall to his wrist where a deep purple bruise colored his skin. His eyes begin to water as the memory plays back in his head. 

“You should rest.” Yifan’s voice pulls him back to the present. He’s thankful. “You were restless all night last night. It’s the weekend anyways.” 

“Work…” Yixing says gently. 

“You can’t dance like that, Yixing-ah… I can call your boss and tell him you aren’t feeling well. You need to ice your back and take some pain medicine.”

“I know.” Yixing says gently. He grips the counter for support before moving back over to the cabinet to pull out some cereal. “I’m supposed to meet Luhan-hyung at the cafe later, though. I canceled on him last week- he’d be pissed if I canceled on him again.” Yixing says softly. There’s a long silence as Yifan thinks atnd Yixing can practically hear the cogs in his brain turning. 

“I’d like to just walk there with you if that’s alright. Coffee sounds good right now.” Yifan says carefully and Yixing smiles. 

“Okay, hyung.” 

Yixing watches as Yifan paces around the apartment as he always would, running through his usual morning routine. Yixing was thankful, he truly was. After all, Yifan pulled him out of a truly dangerous situation. He could never do anything to pay him back, but he didn’t want Yifan’s opinion of him to suddenly change. No matter what, Yixing could handle himself. He’d been through a lot in his childhood and become independent rather quickly and this event, no matter how fucked, wasn’t going to change that. 

Nevertheless, he decided to allow Yifan to baby him, just for today, and got ready without a word of complaint. God, his body hurt. Yixing thinks he would prefer the occasional sharp pain over the dull, numbing pain that sat at the base of his spine constantly; it was like a constant reminder that Yixing was taken advantage of, that he didn’t have a choice, that the one thing he wanted to keep until he found someone special was gone… He hated it. 

As Yixing stripped, he tried not to look in the mirror. He didn’t want to know what other god awful marks had been left as reminders on his body. He already knew he was going to be wearing extremely long sleeves for the next week at least. He couldn’t bear to look at the purple splotches left there. However, as he turns to retrieve a sweater out of his wardrobe, he catches a glimpse of dark circles peeking out from the waistband of Yifan’s underwear. An image flashes before him; it’s only a second- a frame of time- but it’s enough to bring tears to his eyes. He quickly shakes his head before pulling Yifan’s sweatshirt back on. It was huge; big enough to trail to the middle of his thighs and the sleeves were long enough to touch his finger tips. There’s be no way he could see anything that way. 

Haphazardly, he pulls on jeans and does his best to organize his disheveled hair with his fingers. He can’t do anything about the lighter pigment his skin has taken since last night, nor can he hide the bags underneath his eyes, but this will do. With a sigh, he steps out of his room to meet Yifan by the door. 

“You look a bit better.” Yifan comments as he slides his own shoes on and Yixing gives him a small smile. 

“Thanks.” He manages. With that, they make their way out of the house. It’s chilly, to be honest, the autumn air cooling their skin. Yixing’s slightly thankful as it calms him down and draws his thoughts away from last night. He feels Yifan’s presence at his side which is both comforting and not; it grounds him in a very odd way, but it also reminds him of his feelings and fills him with shame at how he must’ve looked when Yifan bursted in his room the night prior. Not that Yifan would have ever taken him seriously before anyway. 

At first, everything is fine. Yixing can make his way down the street as he normally would. He smiles at people when he makes eye contact and gives small bows when he bumps into people. He suddenly thinks that after his bruises fade and a few weeks pass, he can continue on without any differences in his life. However, he meets a pair of eyes. Harsh, brown, emotionless. His heart pounds in his chest and he stops breathing, stops walking. All he can feel is fear. Those eyes look like his. What if they are his? What if he runs into him again? He can hear his heartbeat in his ears.

thump … thump .. thump . thump thumpthumpthumpthump

A hand gently wraps around his wrist and he jumps and lets out a squeak, but when he looks up, he finds Yifan’s soft eyes looking at him in concern. His heart sounds less loud, but still blocks out what Yifan’s saying. Wait… Yifan’s talking? His lips are moving.. It’s muffled. Yifan’s talking…

“Yixing-ah, Yixing-ah… are you okay?” Finally, the gruff sound breaks through the barrier and Yixing’s heart quiets. He slowly relaxes under Yifan’s careful stare. “Y-yeah… I’m…” He takes a deep breath, stares into Yifan’s eyes for a second longer, “I’m fine.” He relaxes because he means it, he feels safe. Yifan smiles.

“Alright.” The elder says gently. “We’re almost there, right?” He asks and Yixing looks up at the street sign then nods. “Good… I was thinking, it’s been awhile since you’ve had a friend over. Why don’t you invite Luhan-ssi to spend the night? I’ll give you guys all the space you want. Plus, we’ll need help eating all of the leftovers from dinner a couple nights ago.” Yifan suggests and Yixing stares up at him for a few moments. Usually, the blonde hates having people over, but now he was so genuinely inviting Luhan to stay? How could Yixing say no?

“O- okay.” Yixing replies and Yifan smiles before looking back ahead- remaining silent for the rest of the walk. 

When they reach the cafe, Yifan is only slightly surprised that it was a music cafe. He always knew Yixing had a strong passion for music, but he never quite knew to what extent. Nevertheless, he smiles as they enter. The atmosphere was nice and calming. The music that occupied the space had a slow tempo and was written in a major key; a melodic voice following the sound of a gentle piano harmony. The smell of fresh coffee beans filled his lungs almost immediately and, combined with the soft yellow lighting, he almost immediately relaxed. 

“Hey, hyung.” Yixing says softly, which pulls Yifan out of his thoughts. He looks at the younger. 

“Luhan already got me my drink.” He explains. Yifan takes a second to process the statement before he nods. 

“Alright! I’m going to go order something, but don’t forget to invite Luhan-ssi over, okay? I’ll clean up the house a little bit.” 

“Okay. Thank you.”

“No problem, I’ll see you later.” 

With that, Yixing waved goodbye then made his way over to his and Luhan’s favorite table. The elder man smiled at him welcomingly, cheerfully, and sat on the edge of his seat. Yixing gave him a curious look as he slowly unraveled his scarf, setting it on the table as he sat down. “Yifan-ssi came with you today?” There was a lift to his voice that made the question suggestive and Yixing couldn’t help but smile and roll his eyes. Nothing could get him to calm down quicker than Luhan.

“Yeah. He said he wanted coffee and we didn’t really have any in the house, so he walked with me.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. 

“Oh… mhm…” Luhan smiled mischievously and waggled his eyebrows. 

“Are you sure he didn’t just want to spend time with you?” Luhan cooed and Yixing laughed, staring down into the golden liquid in his cup. He traced his finger around its rim and smiled at the thought of the statement being true. He rarely let himself entertain the thought of Yifan miraculously realizing he was gay and running into Yixing’s arms, but he always felt butterflies flutter in his stomach when he did. However, he came down from his little high when he realized it was all because of what happened last night; Yifan just wanted to make sure he was safe. 

“Luhan, you know as well as I do that that man is straighter than a board.” He admits and Luhan laughs lightly and shakes his head. 

“You don’t know that for sure, I mean he did cling to you while you were cooking… have you asked him?”

Yixing allows himself to look over his shoulder to see Yifan’s broad shoulders rise up and down as he laughs cordially with the barista who was blatantly flirting with him. He shakes his head before looking back to Luhan. “No, but you have to trust me on this one, Han…” He says gently. 

“That’s laaaaaaaaaame.” Luhan whines with a pout on his lips. “You guys would be so cute.” Yixing opens his mouth to reply, but catches Yifan’s eye as he pushes out the front door with a steaming togo cup in his hand. He gives a small wave and Yifan smiles in return. “It’s such a shame you’re so whipped for him… I know at least ten guys that would kill to date you.” Luhan says then takes a sip of his drink. “Speaking of which, how was it with that guy last night, huh?” Luhan questions, wiggling his eyebrows. Yixing winces as he hears his own muffled scream from last night echo in his ears. “That bad?” Luhan asks and Yixing squeezes his eyes shut. He takes a deep breath, swallows hard, opens his eyes again.

“Let’s just say he left before anything good happened…” Yixing manages and Luhan frowns. 

“Was it the… thing?” Luhan asks, obviously referencing Yixing’s rule. The dance major wordlessly nods. “I’m sorry, bro, that sucks.” After that, the subject changed and Yixing and Luhan talked quickly as they always did, even falling into chinese so conversation felt easier. 

A couple hours passed before Yixing proposed what Yifan suggested and Luhan, obviously, agreed. They decide to go straight from the cafe to Yixing’s apartment as it wouldn’t be the first time Luhan just borrowed Yixing’s clothes. Yixing was glad Yifan suggested this now that he thought about it because, truthfully, he needed it. Even if he didn’t tell Luhan anything, the elder could ease his thoughts and distract him. Maybe those were Yifan’s intentions all along. 

When they get to the apartment, they settle down in the living room with gaming controllers. Yixing wasn’t really one to play video games, but Yifan was so they had a gaming console. When Yixing asked if he and Luhan could play on it, Yifan was more than compliant. As he had promised the elder roommate had stayed out of their way as much as possible. He only exited his room to go into the kitchen a couple times and Yixing’s heart melted at his thoughtfulness.

When Yixing truly thought about it, they had both come so far since they first moved in together. Even if Yifan didn’t talk much about his personal life- his family, friends, or anything at all, really- he allowed his true personality to come out. His cold and hard exterior melted away when they were at home, and Yixing and truly seen Yifan’s protective nature. Even before last night’s debackle, Yifan had always shown interest in Yixing’s day and made sure he was taking good care of himself. Not to mention, Yixing’s hostility towards the man had faded away. At first, he let his terepidation control him. After all, he thought Yifan was homophobic and with how big a part that community was of Yixing, it bothered him immensely. But the lines quickly blurred and the barriers broke down and Yixing wouldn’t hesitate to call them friends at this point. 

“Yix.” Luhan said quietly, pulling the younger out of his thoughts. “You were spacing out for a while there. Whatcha thinking about?” Yixing blinks at Yifan’s form, hovering over the stove in order to heat up some leftovers. Luhan looked over his shoulder before grinning widely. “Thinking about how much you lo-” Luhan began to say in chinese, but Yixing smacked him to shut him up. 

“He can speak chinese too, you idiot.” He mutters quietly and Luhan’s eyes go wide. 

“I’m sorry.” Luhan says. Yixing only looks up to see Yifan continuing on, undeterred. He sighs out of relief. 

“It’s okay, I don’t think he noticed.” Yixing whispered. 

The rest of the night was sweet and calming. Yixing felt a lot better after hanging out with Luhan all day, so he felt relaxed as sleep began to hit him. He and Luhan decided to sleep in the living room as there was more space and if one of them woke up earlier than the other, there wouldn’t be any difficulties getting up without waking the other. They cuddle for a few moments, but sleep naturally pulls them apart. 

Blue. It’s a brilliant color. It’s the color of the sky on a warm summer day. It’s the color of the ocean when the waves are only small, calm ripples. It’s the color of morpho butterflies as the float freely through the warm air. It’s the color of Sialia birds as they sing their morning songs. It’s the color of hydrangeas as they bloom brilliantly. 

And it’s the color of Yifan as he smiles in the light of their tv in the living room. It’s the color of Yifan’s eyes when he looks so warmly at Yixing when he feels like no one else will. It’s the color that splashes across Yixing’s skin when Yifan touches him so gently; like he’s the most prized possession in the world. It’s the color of the waves that drift out from Yifan’s vocal cords when he talks to Yixing first thing in the morning.

Despite its cool affiliation… blue feels warm.

Yellow is the color of the sun, blistering, boiling, febrile. It’s the color of fire, all consuming, fast, cracking, breaking, burning, and loud. It’s the color of lemons, bitter, sour, and dissolving. It’s the color of autumn leaves, dying, suffocating, starving. It’s abrasive and bright. It’s the color of a fake smile. It’s the color of a poisonous snake, vicious and vile.It’s the color of bees, deadly to some. It’s the color of lies. 

It’s the color of Yixing’s room. It’s the color of the leather, cracked and hard. It’s the color of his lips and the color of Yixing’s pale skin as soon as it’s touched by him. It’s the color of his eyes as he eats every part of Yixing’s body visually. It’s the color of his voice when he spits out the word bitch into Yixing’s ear. It’s the color of the bar. It’s the color of his tongue when he liks the liqour of his lips. 

Despite it’s warm affiliation… yellow feels like ice. 

“NO!” Yixing awakens with a blood curdling scream. His vocal cords hurt after, but he doesn’t care as he tries to suck air back into his lungs. He sits straight up, tears already streaming down his face. He’s trembling uncontrollably, his fingers grasping for purchase in the sink of the blanket. He can’t see, can’t hear, can’t think, can’t breathe. He can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t! 

He knows Luhan’s at his side, somewhere, he does. But all he can see is him and his vicious smile. “Yix…!” Luhan’s voice calls, but it’s muffled. It’s too far away. “Yixing…! Yixing, what’s wrong? Yixing-” A hand touches his shoulder, he lashes out; pushing away frantically from the source of contact. He feels something cool on his fingertip; wet. Blood? 

“Hey…” It’s low, it’s calming. Safe. “Hey, Yixing… It’s okay.” Warm. “Yixing, look at me, okay?” Tranquil. “You gotta breathe.” Soft. “Atta boy.” Peace. “There you go… in… and out…” Content. “I’m right here.” Belonging. “There you are. There’s my dongsaeng…” Blue…

Yixing opens his eyes. He feels warmth underneath his fingertips, around his neck, against his chest. He feels a soft hum against his own rib cage ; a voice he finds comfort in. He feels a gentle and calm heartbeat; slow and steady breaths. He tightens his grip on the blue. Slowly, he comes back to reality. The light is a gentle orange, not yellow, and the air is warm and anything but tense. He looks over Yifan’s shoulder to see Luhan, his brother, staring at him with wide, terrified eyes. His mouth feels dry. 

Luhan’s arm is bleeding. The cut isn’t deep, it’s just on the surface of his skin, but you can never be careful enough. Yifan slowly and carefully cleans it while Yixing sits, deadpan, on the livingroom floor. He takes a second to watch Yixing sadly, his chest tightening with what- he doesn’t know. “What…?” Luhan asks weakly. “What was that…?” His voice quivers. “He’s always had nightmares, but they’ve never been… like that…” Luhan sounds lost. 

“I-” Yifan starts. He wants to tell Luhan, he does. But it’s not his place. “You… should ask him. Not now, but maybe in the morning. He needs a little time to calm down. I would tell you, but it’s not my story. It’s his.” Yifan says softly as he dabs the long scratch with rubbing alcohol. “I…” He trails softly. “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen if you were here, but I guess I was wrong.” 

“You…” Luhan breathes, seemingly trying to get a grasp on the situation. “You really care about him…” Yifan’s eyes soften immediately.

“Of course I do.”


	4. Four TImes Yixing was Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one. it could probably be a stand alone fic but its not. Please enjoy the mess

I.  
Studying. No one truly enjoys doing it. It eats up far too much time, is anything but amusing and seems essentially futile. Yifan especially hated it when Yixing wasn’t home. When the younger was around, the apartment seemed much more lively; there was always sound filling the space. It made the space feel a lot more like home. Yifan always wondered how he ever lived without Yixing when he was home alone. None of his previous roommates were able to make the apartment feel like home, but there was something about Yixing that made everything feel better. 

That was no different tonight than it usually was; Yifan was sat at the dining room table with his various textbooks strewn about here and there. He had a glass of water to his side that he ran the tip of his finger over- emitting a quiet ring. Other than that and the sound of turning pages, the house was quiet. It was friday night, so Yixing was out with Luhan at one bar or another which left Yifan home alone to study for finals. 

Luckily, though, Yifan didn’t have to worry about Yixing bringing a guy home. Ever since that night, Yixing had seemed reluctant to bring anyone home and once Yixing made Yifan sit through his recounting as he told Luhan, Luhan had made a habit of fully interrogating the people Yixing talks to. At least that what Yifan’s told when Yixing talks about his nights. It’s- nice. Their arrangement has melted into less of a necessity and more of a want. 

Yifan liked sitting on the couch next to Yixing and listening to the younger about his day. He liked laughing when Yixing stumbled over his words in korean only to curse at himself in chinese. Yifan had grown to be fond of the small things Yixing did- the way he seemed to be clueless about korean sometimes, the way he blushed when he knew he messed up, the way he clung to things when he was tired, the way he hummed quietly when he cooked.

“Ah! Get out of my head!” Yifan says suddenly shouts as he throws his head back and fists his hair. He hears the doorknob begin to jiggle and quickly shakes his thoughts away before levelling his eyes with his textbooks again. He has to study. He can’t risk failing a class. He needed Yixing to stay out of his head. If only for an hour. 

“Yifan-hyung~” Yixing’s voice echoes as soon as the door opens. Yifan can’t help but smile. He’s drunk. Of course he’s drunk. Yifan forces his eyes to fix on his textbook, not that it’d do him any good at this rate. He hears the younger boy pull his shoes off and throw them at the wall above their shoe rack before stumbling around. Then, Yixing settles on the floor by his feet and looks up at him with wide eyes. “Yifan-hyung. You never pay attention to me anymore.” He huffs as he lets his head rest against the elder’s thigh. “You’re always studying. It’s not fair. Those dumb books don’t make you smile. They can’t. I can though. Why do you look at them so much?” Yixing whines and Yifan only smiles down at him. 

“Finals are coming up, Xing…” Yifan trails as he attempts to ignore the contact. 

“But, hyung… You need to relax~” Yixing says before standing up and promptly pushing the elder’s books towards the other end of the table. Yifan looks at him expectantly, but he just lifts himself up and sits on the table- in between Yifan’s legs. 

“That wasn’t very nice, Yixing. I was trying to study.” Yifan says softly. 

“Fuck studying!” Yixing slurs before gently grabbing Yifan’s chin and angeling it upwards so their gazes met perfectly. Yifan’s heart pounded as he looked into Yixing‘s eyes. With that, the younger boy leaned down until he was centimeters away from Yifan. Then, with a smile, he closes the distance and connects their lips. At first, Yifan doesn’t know what to do. He’s too shocked to react at first. Yixing moves his hand from Yifan’s chin to cup his jaw as he presses deeper into Yifan’s mouth. Eventually, Yifan lifts his hands; one resting on the younger’s hip and the other resting on the back of Yifan’s neck and he kisses back fervorously. 

Yifan’s head is racing with a thousand different thoughts he can’t even begin to process as warmth blossoms in his chest; petals of heat blooming down his stomach and legs and lacing up his arms. Tingles string themselves like vines underneath the petals and Yifan feels light. Yifan licks Yixing’s bottom lip as he stands- his arms framing the younger man’s sides. Yixing’s mouth slots open as if on reflex and Yifan licks his way inside. Yixing’s mouth is hot and he tastes of something sweet and bitter- he tastes like… alcohol. 

Yifan pulls away from Yixing quickly. The younger tries to follow, but is stopped by Yifan’s hand. “This is wrong.” He croaks out; his head spinning. Yixing rolls his eyes and scoffs. 

“Why? Because I’m a guy? Because it’s gay? Are you really still that shallow, Yifan?” Yixing bites out and Yifan’s blood runs cold. 

“No, because you’re drunk! It’ll be a miracle if you even remember this in the morning! Not everything is about sexuality, Yixing.” Yifan tries not to shout as he fists his hair, pulling away from a table. 

“Yeah, okay. You know what? You’ve had a problem with my sexuality since the second night I lived here! Would you have pulled away if it was some random drunk girl you met at a bar?” Yixing presses. 

“Yixing, Stop. You’re too drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.” Yifan says as he tries to keep himself calm. He’d always been a little hot headed and his confusion isn’t helping anything. 

“I’m sober enough to know you’re a homophobic ass, Yifan! You never answered my question! If I was a drunk female you met at a bar, would you stop?!” Yixing shouts, still sitting on the table. Yifan’s getting to overwhelmed. 

“NO!” Yifan yells, breathing heavily. Yixing’s lips quirk as tears collect in his eyes. 

“You- fuck you, Yifan…”

“You’re not just some random drunk girl I met at a bar. You’re-“

“A homosexual guy you got stuck living with. I get it.” Yixing says softly. Yifan’s heart feels like it’s about to burst. 

“That’s not-“

“Save it!” Yixing shouts then hops off the table. “I don’t want to hear it.” He seems fixed in place, but Yifan watches as his face slowly drains of color and he sprints towards the bathroom where he falls to his knees in front of the toilet and begins heaving. A few moments later, after a few deep ad calming breaths, Yifan follows- bringing a cup of water with him. Slowly, he opens the bathroom door to see his small roommate gripping the sides of the toilet and spilling his guts. 

Yifan sets the glass of water on the counter and sits on the floor next to Yixing, gently rubbing his back until he’s done throwing up and his dry heaves have stopped. Yifan hands him the water and urges him to drink it slowly until the entire glass is gone. Touching the back of his hand to Yixing’s forehead, Yifan can tell the younger has a fever. “You need to change and get in bed.” He says softly. Yixing whines and ends up lying his head in the elder’s lap.

Yifan knows Yixing is still mad, maybe he has the right to be because maybe he was right, but he also knows that Yixing is in no condition to take care of himself. With a small sigh, Yifan lets his hand fall to Yixing’s head where he plays with his hair for a few moments. “Come on, Xing. Let’s get you to bed. I don’t want you getting sick, okay?” He says softly. The younger man weakly nods and slowly pushes himself up. Yian gets to his feet and slowly pulls Yixing up after him. 

“I’m going to go get you some bread and water, so get changed.” Yifan instructs and Yixing nods again just before the door closes. By the time Yifan returns, Yixing is already dressed and in bed. Yifan smiles softly and hands the bread off to the younger; watching as he slowly eats piece by piece. After Yixing is settled, Yifan places a cool rag over his forehead. Yixing is asleep before Yifan even has the chance to move away from the bed. “Sleep well, Yixing.” He says with a sigh. With that, he leaves. 

He’s unable to sleep all night and ends up just thinking things over in his head before realizing he was getting nowhere. He ends up texting Junmyeon until the elder wakes up begrudgingly and tells him he can come over. With a sigh, Yifan throws some shoes on, pulls on a jacket, grabs his keys, and slips out the front door. 

The cool night air is enough to wake him up a little and soothe his worries the slightest bit. He sighs and walks down the street; only taking a few minutes to reach his friend’s apartment complex. He climbs the stairs and knocks on his friend’s door a couple times. It’s pulled open to reveal his very tired looking friend. He’d never been more thankful for such an understanding friend in his life. Junmyeon steps to the side to welcome him in. 

In only a few moments, Yifan has his shoes and jacket off and he’s collapsing to the livingroom floor with a thud. “Shh!” Junmyeon scolds. “Sehun-ah is crashing here for the night and he’s getting sleep… which I would be getting too if you weren’t having some sort of crisis.” Junmyeon huffs before falling to the floor, quietly, next to the elder. 

“I’m sorry, I just, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how I feel. And I still feel like I’m being a homophobic ass.” Yifan murmurs as he sits up and fists his hair. 

“Care to explain?” Junmyeon asks. 

“I… kissed Yixing-ah.” Yifan says. 

“You what?!” Junmyeon whisper shouts and Yifan cringes away from him. 

“Well, it’s more than just that… It’s not that simple.” 

“Explain!”

“I was studying at the dining room table when Yixing came home drunk as he usually does on fridays,” Yifan starts his recount. He makes sure not to leave any detail out from his teasing to how warm he felt when Yixing’s lips were against his. 

“So you kissed him…” Junmyeon asks. 

“Well, he kissed me…”

“And you liked it?”

“... Maybe?”

“So what’s the problem? If you think there’s a possibility that you like him, why don’t you talk to him about it?”Junmyeon asks. 

“Well, I pulled away when I remembered that he was drunk.”

“Which was the right thing to do…” Junmyeon trails.

“Yes, but then I said that it was wrong and he blew up thinking it was because I had a problem with it because he was a guy, which made me start thinking that maybe he was right, but then he asked me if I would have pulled away if it was some random drunk girl I brought home from the bar. Of course I said no, and he took it the wrong way and I tried to explain that it was because he wasn’t just some girl from the bar, but he yelled say that he knows he’s just some homo that I’m stuck living with. He wouldn’t let me explain myself.” Yifan says in just two breaths.

“WHAT?!” Junmyeon shouts before slapping his hand over his mouth. A few moments later, they hear a door click open. From what Yifan knew to be Junmyeon’s room, a tall, orange haired boy wearing only one of Junmyeon’s sweatshirts, comes out rubbing his eyes. 

“What’s going on, hyung?” He asks sleepily. 

“Nothing, jingjingi… Go back to bed, okay?” Junmyeon says fondly. Yifan raises his eyebrow at the endearment, confusion and amusement taking over his face. The younger boy blushes and nods before dragging his feet back to the room. 

“Cute girl that whines?” Yifan asks. Junmyeon gives him a warning look. 

“This isn’t about me, it’s about you.” Junmyeon says softly. 

“I wasn’t trying to offend him. I wanted to say that he wasn’t just some drunk girl I met at the bar because he wasn’t disposable like that; that I couldn’t bare to mess things up because living without him there would feel weird… I mean I’ve never-” Yifan takes a deep breath and looks up at Junmyeon who gives him a look that urges him on. “I’ve never felt so… light when I’ve kissed someone before. Be made me feel warm and tingly and I didn’t want to abuse that. He isn’t something I can just kiss and let go, you know?” Yifan says quietly. 

“Yifan-hyung… wow.” Junmyeon says softly as he shifts. “How could you think you were being homophobic? I’ve never heard you talk about someone so fondly before. Don’t you think if he made you feel warm and tingly that means you have some kind of feelings for him? Especially if you see him as indispensable… Don’t you think you need to talk to him about this? If you’re having feelings towards him like this, You should tell him.” Junmyeon says.

“Do you really think so?” Yifan asks quietly.

“Yes. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” Junmyeon says quietly. 

“You’re right.” Yifan says softly. “I’ll talk to him about it, then…” 

“Good.” Junmyeon says softly. “Let me know how it goes.” 

“I will.” A small silence falls over the two for a few moments before a wide smile grows across his face. “So, you call Sehun-ssi Jingjingi now…?”

“So what if I do? If you’re done whining, kindly get the hell out. I want to sleep. It’s already day.” Junmyeon says softly, causing Yifan to smile warmly as he pushes himself to his feet. 

“Junmyeon.” He says seriously. “I’m glad you’re happy.” Yifan teased Junmyeon a lot. He really did. He did it mostly out of love, but he accepted that he could be an ass because of it sometimes. He really did care about his friends, though. He was glad both Junmyeon and Sehun were happy in this situation. 

“Thank you…” Junmyeon trails as he watches Yifan pull his shoes and jacket on. The elder is quick to get his stuff together and make his way towards the door.

“Thank you for listening to me. I’ll see you later, okay?” Yifan says. 

“Of course.” Junmyeon says softly. “Get home safe.” 

—-

Yifan doesn’t expect to open his apartment door and find it completely spotless. He doesn’t expect to be greeted by the smell of vanilla and cinnamon. He doesn’t expect natural light to be filtering through the windows. And he certainly doesn’t expect Yixing to emerge from around the corner, a hopeful look on his face, before bowing deeply. He’s sure the confusion is written all across his face when Yixing straightens his back and gives him a gentle and shy smile. “I’m so sorry about last night…” Yixing pauses as he rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t remember everything, but I remember enough and I was completely and utterly out of line.”

“About that, I-“ Yifan starts, but Yixing cuts him off.

“Hold on, just… let me finish? Last night was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I made you uncomfortable and then ripped you apart. I know you’re not like that; that you may be a bit uncomfortable with my sexuality but you wouldn’t ever judge me. Not to mention you took care of me even after I yelled at you. I seriously don’t even deserve to call you hyung…” Yixing pauses and looks up. “I’m just so glad you came back…”

“You make it sound like you thought you were never going to see me again.” Yifan says quietly as he looks at Yixing’s dusty cheeks. 

“I did…” Yixing trails quietly. There’s a long silence as they both take a moment to think. “But my point is, I’m really sorry Yifan-hyung and if you never wanted to talk to me again I’d understand. But you don’t have to worry about that happening again. I promise you I will never, ever kiss you again.” Yixing smiles broadly. A crushing feeling takes over Yifan’s chest, but he smiles back anyways.

“It’s okay, Yixing-ah.” He reaches out to ruffle Yixing’s hair. “It wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t even thinking of leaving you, okay? Don’t ever think that I would.” Yifan says softly. Yixing seems to melt under the fondness. He quickly grabs Yifan’s hand and pulls him into the kitchen. 

“I made you cookies to apologize and your favorite coffee is brewing now.” Yixing says happily. 

II.  
Finals came and passed easily. With Yixing and Yifan helping each other study, they seemed rather easy and it was as if no time passed at all. Although, Yifan couldn’t help but notice the fondness in his chest growing stronger for the younger boy whom he never expected to like the way he does. Now, Yifan felt paranoid with the holidays coming up. He’d grown so accustomed to living with Yixing that he honestly couldn’t remember what it was like to live without him. He knew that he, himself, wouldn’t be going home for the holidays, so he was going to be stuck alone in the apartment, but Yixing would most likely leave for the rest of their winter break. 

“Hey Yixing-ah.” Yifan calls out one morning. “Don’t worry about paying for rent this month since you’ll probably be gone for most of it. I’ll cover it.” He says quietly as he makes his morning coffee. 

“Why would I be gone for most of it?” Yixing asks as he looks up from his book, eyebrows furrowed. 

“You’re not going home for the holidays?” Yifan asks and Yixing shakes his head. 

“My family lives in Changsha back in China. I can’t afford the travel costs. I was actually going to tell you I’d cover rent this month. I thought I’d be staying here alone, but you’re not going back home either?” Yixing asks- setting his book down and making his way to the kitchen to sit himself at the kitchen counter. 

“No. My family lives in Canada.” Yifan explains shortly, pouring creamer into his cup before turning around with a shrug. 

“So we’ll both be here for the holidays?” It’s more of a statement than it is a question, but Yifan hums in affirmation anyways as he sips his coffee. 

“Do you think we could get a Christmas tree? Maybe decorate the apartment a little bit?” Yixing suggests. Yifan’s muscles tense up as he busies himself with organizing things that were already organized on the counter. 

“No. Why would we?” Yifan asks quietly. “It’s not like we’re going to have a party or anything and if I don’t have the money to go home, why would I have the money for a Christmas tree?” Yifan says casually as he moves to open the refrigerator. Yixing slightly twitches. There was a bit of edge to Yifan’s voice that bothered Yixing.

“I just thought it’d be nice to still, you know, celebrate. You didn’t have to be so rude about it.” Yixing says with a shrug as he moves to pick his book back up.

“Excuse me?” Yifan gapes. He knows it’s a dumb thing to get mad about, but this was a sensitive topic for him and Yixing was just pressing his buttons. “I wasn’t being rude, I was being practical. I’ve never had a Christmas tree here before in all the christmases I’ve spent alone here. Why would I suddenly change that just because you want one? It’s not like the tree would even be up for that long anyways. It’s kind of pointless. I don’t really celebrate Christmas at all anymore.” 

“Well sue me for wanting to have a Christmas with you! I just wanted to bring a little piece of home here. Christmas is important to me, okay?! It was the only time I ever got to see my grandparents truly happy. I just wanted to celebrate after a long week of finals. But you know what? Forget it, Yifan-hyung. It’s fine. I’ll just get a small tree for my room or something. I’m sorry I asked.” Yixing says as he slides out of the bar stool and heads to his room. Yifan doesn’t try to stop him. 

Yifan finishes his coffee quickly before he puts the mug in the sink with a sigh, not bothering to clean it, before sulking off to his room. He flops down onto his mattress and runs his hands through his hair. Grabbing his phone, he unlocks it and clicks into his gallery. He scrolls down to find a picture album that had been well abandoned and started scrolling through the images there. He slightly sniffles before locking his phone again and throwing it aside. He ends up staying in his room all day; letting his thoughts fester before he can’t take them anymore and he throws clothes on. 

After some pacing and running his hands through his already messy hair, he walks up to Yixing’s door and knocks softly. “What?” Yixing’s soft voice drifts through the wood. Yifan can hear the distaste in his tone. He takes a deep breath.

“Get dressed.” He calls and he hears shuffling inside the room before the door is opened to reveal Yixing in only his boxers. 

“Why?” He asks, unamused. 

“Because you can’t wear boxers to the store, can you?”

“The store?” Yixing asks.

“The apartment stinks.” Yifan shrugs as he heads towards the door to pull his shoes on. “We need a tree or something to make it smell better… pine’s a strong scent.” Yifan says without looking up from his laces.

“Okay…” Yixing says with a warm smile. 

It takes less than five minutes for Yixing to re-emerge into the living room, fully dressed and ready to go. He smiles as he bounces on his toes while he waits for a Yifan to wrap a scarf around his neck. “Let’s go.” The elder says eventually before pulling the door open for Yixing and leading him towards the supermarket he knows of only a few blocks away from their apartment. They walk mostly in silence; Yixing marveling at the brightness of the city which was decorated in twinkling Christmas lights. Yifan still felt tense at the thought of celebrating Christmas and his stomach slightly churned, but he couldn’t punish Yixing for what happened in his past. It was time he got over it anyways. 

“Pick out a couple decorations while we’re here too.” Yifan says passively as he looks around the store and basically anywhere but at Yixing. The younger man giggled giddily before grabbing a cart and skipping around to the different Christmas isles. He picks out various decorations and tosses them in before asking Yifan’s opinion on which ornaments to get for the tree. They end up picking silver and royal blue ones along with a silver star and a blue tree skirt. 

“Thank you.” Yixing says eventually. He’s looking at Yifan with soft acknowledgment, but Yifan pretends not to see it. 

“For what?” Yifan asks, but Yixing only smiles and turns away, pulling Yifan towards the clothing section. He’s quick to pick out two sweaters that have cheesy and punny festive slogans and looks at Yifan with pleading eyes. Yifan rolls his eyes, impervious to the look, and sighs. “Fine.”

“Yay!” Yixing says as he tosses them in the cart before dragging Yifan to one final place; the liquor aisle. He picks out a couple different bottles of various types of alcohol with the excuse; “it’s not Christmas if no one gets drunk.” Yifan only laughs and shakes his head as he yanks Yixing away from the store before he can find more things to by and checks out quickly. Yixing offered to pay since it was his idea, but Yifan turns him down and pays for it all before leading Yixing to one final place.

“There’s a small tree farm that sells the best Christmas trees according to Junmyeon over here.” He explains shortly before they come to a stop outside the place. They wander around for awhile before they find one that Yixing thinks is perfect. It looks like it’s the perfect size to fit inside their apartment and it’s full. Yixing takes all the bags as Yifan pays before carrying the tree back to their apartment. Once they get inside, Yifan begins to set up the tree as Yixing turns on some Christmas music. 

“Let’s do the tree last.” Yixing says softly as he unpacks the bags; popping open a bottle of liquor and pouring both him and Yifan glasses. As the music plays, Yifan and Yixing wander around their apartment and begin decorating- making it look like Christmas threw up on it. They’re mostly quiet before they get to the tree (after several glasses of whatever drink Yixing poured). They unbox the ornaments and work together to put them around the tree cutely. 

“Can I ask about it?” Yixing asks quietly; just loud enough to be heard over the music. 

“Ask about what.” Yifan asks as he slides an ornament onto a branch.

“The reason you’re a Christmas grinch.” Yixing says jokingly. Yifan chuckles a bit before shrugging.

“You don’t really want to know. It dumb.” Yifan says.

“I do.” Yixing says, watching Yifan.

“Uhm… I was engaged once.” Yifan admits. “She was a nice girl. She listened well and she was really beautiful- she took everyone by surprise when she entered a room. She was definitely someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. My parents loved her. Often times more than me.” His look of nostalgia turns into a grimace the more he talks. “I proposed to her one Christmas, but we’d never found the time to get married. So by the time the next Christmas rolled around, we were still just engaged. Come to find out… she was-“ Yifan’s nose twists up. “She was fucking my brother behind my back. I found out on Christmas. On a day that’s supposed to hold nothing but happiness and family time. I couldn’t bare to look at my brother anymore- let alone be in a room with both of them at the same time. But my family- they loved her. So, when push came to shove, her and my brother were more important than me. My parents kicked me out saying I was the one being over dramatic and that I was the one who needed to come to my senses. So, I took my ring back and I left. I moved here to pursue my dreams. I haven’t talked to them since. My best friend from back home told me that my brother and her got married on Christmas last year. I just… don’t have any good memories on Christmas anymore I guess.” The more Yifan talked, the slower Yixing began to work as horror filled his body. Who does that? To their own brother? Their own son? No wonder Yifan hates Christmas.

“Come here.” Yixing says quietly as he grabs Yifan’s hand before pulling him to the opening of the hallway. He looks up at Yifan expectantly before looking up. Yifan’s eyebrows furrow as a small bundle of mistletoe hung above their heads. When did Yixing even put that in the cart.

“Yixing, what-“

“A good memory. Even if it’s just me.” Yixing shrugs. “Even if you just look back on it and laugh. Make a good memory to smother all the bad ones.” Yixing says softly. Yifan looks down at Yixing warmly. Slowly, Yifan takes a step closer and raises his hand to rest it on the back of Yixing’s neck. With his thumb, he pushes Yixing’s jaw up so their eyes can meet. With one more questioning glance, Yifan lowers his head. His lips meet Yixing’s gently. It’s barely a whisper of a kiss, but as Yixing grabs onto Yifan’s hand and kisses back, Yifan can’t help but press against him harder. He places his free hand on Yixing’s hip and pulls him closer. He doesn’t know if it’s the intimacy of being alone with Yixing, if it’s the alcohol talking, or if it’s the sexual tension that’s been building up in his head, but he feels more desperate for Yixing this time. 

He pulls the smaller man’s body flush against his, gently nipping at Yixing’s bottom lip before slipping his tongue into the bitterness of Yixing’s mouth. He feels light headed as he makes the kiss more passionate; pressing Yixing’s back against the wall and trailing his hand from Yixing’s waist to his ass. The warmth from last time blooms in his chest once more and he never wants it to end, but Yixing’s placing his hand on Yifan’s chest and slightly pushing him away. Immediately, Yifan backs off and watches as the younger wipes the saliva from his swollen lips. 

“If I didn’t know how straight you are, hyung,” Yixing laughs lightly, “I would think you want to kiss me.” Yifan crumbles as he turns away.

“I do.” He says softly.

—-

When Yifan wakes up in the morning, he has the worst hangover he’s ever had. His head is pounding and throbbing. He rubs his temples, but that somehow only seems to make things worse. Slowly, he sits up. The light streaming through the curtains seeming a lot brighter than it actually is, he closes his eyes again and focuses on standing up without causing the pain in his head to worsen. He pushes his way back out to the kitchen where he plans on getting water. There, he’s greeted by his roommate who smiles warmly at him.

“Good morning, hyung!” He says cheerfully. Yifan squints at him.

“How are you so cheerful?” He asks quietly as he stumbles towards the cabinets. “God… what happened last night?” Yifan wasn’t paying enough attention or he’d have seen the smile on Yixing’s face falter. Nevertheless, the younger forces a laugh.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Yixing asks.

“Telling you about… my ex I think.” Yifan trails as he scrubs at his eyes. “I don’t know, it’s all a little hazy.”

“Oh.” Yixing says softly. “Nothing interesting really. We just finished putting the tree together and you lifted me up on your shoulders to put the star on even though I told you I could reach it without that.” Yixing laughs. Yifan facepalms and lets out a groan. 

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I don’t usually drink.” Yixing’s smile looks sad, but Yifan doesn’t notice and just drinks down the cool water he poured himself. 

“I can tell.”

IV.  
Christmas goes off without a hitch and Yifan thinks it might be almost too domestic. Yifan was still asleep with Yixing woke up, but that didn’t last long as the younger woke him up by jumping on him and shaking him until he threw Yixing off the bed. The younger had made a breakfast scramble that they decided to eat after they opened presents. Yixing practically swooned over the gifts Yifan managed to get without him knowing; a sleek black ring on a necklace that perfectly contrasted his pale skin and a framed picture of the two of them- the first one they ever took together. (Yifan then helped Yixing hang it up in his room.) And Yifan fell in love with the elegant watch Yixing spent almost all his savings on. (The younger almost had a heart attack when the face ended up broken after he dropped the box when giving it to Yifan, but the elder only smiled and said he loved it and would get it fixed as soon as possible. He still wore it with the broken face until the shop opened back up.) 

The few days between Christmas and New Years were rather uneventful. Yifan started having to go back to work and became a little distant- Yixing assumed he was drained after all his emotions came out. That time for Yixing was mostly spent trying to figure out his emotions which had been out of whack ever since Yifan came home the day after he drunkenly kissed him. It didn’t help that Yifan had been insanely nice to him since and that night they decorated, well… It had made Yixing actually think about what it would be like to date Yifan. It was driving him nuts. However, he devised a plan once he found out Yifan had to work an all day shift on New Year’s Eve. 

As soon as the elder left in the morning, Yixing got ready and ran to the store to get various ingredients including things to make dessert and wine. When he gets home, he quickly gets to work; starting with the baked goods. 

—-

By the time Yifan finishes his shift at work, he’s completely and utterly exhausted. Dealing with prissy and entitled people for the expanse of the entire day takes way too much out of him. So, when he gets home, he plans on kicking off his shoes, ordering some takeout, cracking open a beer, and laying down (on his bed or the couch, he doesn’t care). However, when he opened the front door a variety of smells hits his nose and he finds himself greeted with a set table; flickering candles being the only thing lighting the area. 

“Oh! You’re finally home.” Yixing says with a warm smile. He reaches up to Yifan’s shoulders and helps the elder ease his jacket off. Yixing hangs it up before scampering back to the kitchen. “I’m almost finished if you want to take a seat.” Why does that sound so familiar? Yifan does as he’s told, albeit confused.

“What’d I do?” He questions and he hears Yixing laugh from somewhere in the kitchen.

“Nothing, I just thought I’d be nice and cook a good dinner while you worked all day.” Yixing said before coming back into the dining room with two plates in his hand. He sets one down in front of Yifan before setting the other back down across the table. He scurried away once more only to re-emerge with a bottle of red wine in his hand. He pours some into Yifan’s glass before filling his own and finally sitting down. 

“Wow…” Yifan manages as his eyes graze over the table which was covered in a table cloth and was set nicely. The candles were small, but they were cute; floating in s small bowl of water along with soft pink petals. “Thank you, Yixing-ah. This smells amazing.” 

“Of course. It’s only natural to eat a good meal and drink some good wine on New Years.” Yixing says with a wide, warm, smile. “What are you waiting for?” Yixing asks as Yifan hesitates to eat. The elder is quick to pick up his chopsticks at that then digs in, letting out a pleased hum as the various flavors of the meal spread over his tongue.

“It’s amazing, Yixing.”

“Thank you. It’s my grandma’s recipe.” Yixing says before beginning to eat himself. The meal is finished rather quickly. Too quickly, if you ask Yifan. The bottle of wine is gone by the end and their plates are left in the sink. Yixing is standing by the window that looks over the entire city. He huffs, though, obviously not pleased by the view. “I wish we were on a higher floor. It’s going to be hard to see the fireworks from here.” He pouts. Yifan seems to contemplate something before he makes his way back towards the front door. 

“Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He says then slips back out the front door. Yixing watches him go before he looks back out the window and watches as the cars on the street below run back and forth. As they drag people to and from parties. For a moment, Yixing wishes he was at one of those parties; drunk of his ass and unable to hear his own thoughts because of the thrumming bass coming from the crappy club speakers, but then he realizes that isn’t true. He much preferred the quiet that was Yifan. He was glad he was here; in the small and quaint apartment. Normally, Yixing liked the clubs because he could get attention there- he could forget about his loneliness in this large city in the touch of a stranger. But now, he found that he wasn’t lonely. He was pleased with where he was. At the sound of the front door opening, his thoughts fade away and are replaced by Yifan’s smiling face. 

“Come on. Grab your comforter and the booze.” Yifan says.

“What?” Yixing asked, confused. Yifan chuckles. 

“Just do it. Trust me..” Yifan smiles. Yixing does as he’s asked and grabs the comforter and the two bottles of alcohol that was leftover from the Christmas haul. Yifan takes the younger’s free hand and drags him to the stairwell. Yixing giggles as he stumbles over his feet.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” Yifan says softly. They go up (far too many) flights of stairs before coming to a stop outside a door that was radiating cold air. Yixing smiled at the sign that displayed ‘roof access’. Yifan fumbles with the keys that Yixing didn’t realize he had before sticking one into the handle and pushing the door open. As the cool air surrounds him, Yixing realizes why Yifan told him to bring the comforter. They walk towards the edge of the roof. There was a siding that went up to about waist level. Yixing sets the bottles down there and wraps one half of the blanket around him before offering the other half to Yifan. They lean against the wall and watch the night sky. 

“I forgot to bring glasses…” Yixing trails softly as he stares at the bottles. 

“It’s okay.” Yifan replies before reaching forward and opening one bottle up. He takes a swig straight from it with a smile before offering it to Yixing. The younger shakes his head with a smile as he takes it before he knocks it back and stares out at the sky. “Hey,” Yifan starts quietly, breaking the silence, “can I ask you something?” He asks.

“Of course.”

“Why have I never heard you talk about your parents? When you mentioned Christmas, you said it was the only time you got to see your grandparents really happy. Did you live with them?” Yifan asks and Yixing lets out a hum.

“Yeah. I moved out of my parents’ house when I was only thirteen and my grandparents took me in.” Yixing explains shortly before taking another swig.

“Can I ask why?” 

“I came out.” Yixing says simply. Yifan’s head snaps to him, but he just keeps his eyes fixed on the sky. “My parents didn’t think that it was okay that I was gay. They thought it was a sickness and that it was something that could be cured, but I knew that wasn’t it. I just loved guys. That’s all there was to it. And my grandparents knew it to. They’d always been forward thinkers, so as soon as they found out how my parents were treating me because of it, they offered for me to come live with them and when my parents wouldn’t let me, they took my parents to court and won custody over me.” Yixing says. 

“Oh, wow… I’m so sorry.” Yifan says quietly. No wonder he was so sensitive about it at the start. 

“No, it’s okay. My parents weren’t the best people in the first place anyways. I love my grandparents.” Yixing smiles before passing the bottle off to Yifan who takes a rather large drink. Time passes quickly as they reminisce about their childhoods. They get rather wasted passing the first bottle back and forth until it’s empty. Yixing kept periodically checking his phone throughout the night.

Finally, when he sees the time reaches 11:59, Yixing looks to Yifan hopefully. “Hyung?” He asks quietly. Yifan looks down at him, smiling. “Will you… will you be my midnight kiss?” Yixing asks shyly and Yifan smiles, blushing.

“Why not?” He asks as he turns to face the younger. He gently took Yixing’s head in his hand- using the other to hold the blanket up. Just as the first firework shoots off, Yifan crashes their lips together. It’s the most hungry kiss they’ve shared yet; passionate and lustful as Yifan dominates the younger boy. Yixing seems to cling to Yifan’s arm, but it isn’t too long until the blanket is falling off their shoulders and their full attention is on one another. As Yifan pulls Yixing flush against him once more and gently reaches down to cup Yixing’s ass, the younger gasps into his mouth. 

“Fuck… Yifan…” Yixing breathes out as he ferociously kisses the elder back. Yixing feels like he should be cold, but the heat of Yifan’s lips against his keep him perfectly warm. His heart is racing as he tries to cling to every last second of the kiss. However, the elder pulls away far too soon and leaves Yixing wanting so much more. He didn’t realize how badly he had fallen for his roommate until that exact moment when tears began gathering in his eyes. He tried to pull away and turn so Yifan wouldn’t see him cry, but the elder wouldn’t let him and, instead, made him look into his eyes.

“What’s wrong, Yixing?” His eyes looks so gentle and sincere. It only makes Yixing cry more.

“Nothing… it’s nothing, hyung. I’m fine.” Yixing manages. Yifan slowly lets him go, a look of horror crossing his face.

“I’m so sorry, Yixing… was I too aggressive? Did I go to far? I didn’t mean to-“ Yifan begins to ramble, but Yixing immediately shakes his head and grabs the elder’s arm.

“No… not at all. I would’ve stopped you, it’s just…”

“What?” Yifan asks. Yixing steps closer to him again, places one of the elder’s arms around his waist and the other back on his neck. He looks up at Yifan like he expects him to pull away, but Yifan stays still and waits for him to speak with the most gentle eyes Yixing has ever seen.

“How many times am I going to have to drunkenly kiss you before you ask me out or kick me out?” Yixing whispers out against his lips.

“How many times am I going to have to kiss you back before you realize I like you?” Yifan whispers back before he kisses Yixing again; this time much more gentle and caring. He holds the boy close and kisses him until he feels like he’s made his point before he pulls back and kisses along the tear tracks on the younger’s cheeks. “Zhang Yixing, will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for taking time to read this. I hope you have a wonderful day, week, month, year.... Let me know if there are any typos or anything!


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